For as long as you wish to keep them in your life, Jocelyne, whoever they may be, understanding them, as opposed to changing them, will wildly improve chances they’ll also wish to keep you in their life.
Oh wow, how I love you – The Universe
Change is hard when we try to do it in and for ourselves, and it’s nigh impossible to change someone else!
So why do we keep trying?
I believe it’s because we want our circumstances to change – and in doing so, we would feel better. That’s all we ever want. We want to feel better, to feel good and to feel like something ‘fits’ us better.
We want other people and things to change so that we can feel better, about ourselves.
If you can get that car, you’ll feel better. If you get that new pair of shoes, you’ll feel better. If you eat that cake, you’ll feel better. If you lose 20 lbs you’ll feel better. If he/she changes their behaviour, you’ll feel better.
Nothing outside of yourself can make you feel better
Feeling better is an inside job.
When you look outside and think that you can have something, or change your circumstances or those around you to make a difference to how you feel, that only thing that happens is constant ‘suffering’. Angst, anger, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc etc.
Looking outside of yourself for the answers means that you will always see the same kind of problems, that need the same kind of solutions … the ones where you need a thing, or someone else to change to make you feel better!
I call that “Arguing with reality”. And I love to argue with reality!
It’s taken me years to get to the point where I can see when I am butting up against reality – you see, I was ‘trained’ to see the problems in life by my loving family who wanted to keep me safe, and probably you were too. Yet now, I’m at the strange juncture in life, where my family calls on me to change perspectives, reframe situations and generally be a calming force, when most of the time I wonder “Why are you asking me? I don’t know what to do!”
Well, I do really, because of my yoga practice.
I have learnt that when I feel bad, when I feel emotional and anxious, (yes I feel anxious quite often!), I recognise it as a “Samskara”.
What is a Samskara?
Yogapedia describes it like this:
In Indian and yogic philosophy, samskaras are the mental impressions left by all thoughts, actions and intents that an individual has ever experienced. They can be thought of as psychological imprints. They are below the level of normal consciousness and are said to be the root of all impulses, as well as our innate dispositions.
I also understand it more simply as a stain, blot, or imprint on the soul. It’s something that we felt in the past and is no longer there, but we carry the imprint with us.
When you feel bad about a situation, it’s because that imprint becomes active, it becomes triggered and awakened in us, good or bad.
It’s why if your first husband was called ‘Ian’ and he was an arsehole, then the very name ‘Ian’ sends shivers through you and leaves you with a nasty taste in your mouth! ( Now don’t go taking that personally if your son or husband is called Ian!)
The only way out of this is to become aware of your “Samskaras” and to see them for what they are. An impression from the past, that must be left in the past. You are not the same person at the same moment in your life as the moment that the samskara formed, so why drag it around with you forevermore?
I appreciate this is not easy or straightforward and cannot simply be changed in one fell swoop, but maybe we could start here.
Could you do this one thing to feel better?
Just notice when you have been triggered. When you notice you feel out of sorts with something, when you are backing off, or flaring up, just notice what just happened. Take the attitude, “Well that was interesting! What happened there?”
Write it down if you will. Sit down with it, and breathe with it. (You know how to do that if you come to my classes!) Notice your thoughts about the thought and be curious. Stay with it. What do you want to happen? What does the thought want you to do?
What does the wanting want? Just how are you feeling?
That’s all for now, just notice. Keep notcing what you notice.
Just noticing what you notice can have a calming effect … although it’s easy to miss what you are noticing at first … often it happens so quickly, but keep trying.
I’ll come back to this topic and we can talk again.
In fact, you could write a comment if you want or need to and we can go from there.
Cheerybye for now … J x
For years I have been getting several emails a week from “TUT”.com
Useful little reminders of prefered ways of thinking and being, signed off by ‘The Universe’ (see the quote at the start).
Thoughts become things… choose the good ones! ®© www.tut.com ®
If you would like to do the same, click the link above.